13 Steps When This Is You: “I Don’t Love My Wife But I Don’t Want To Hurt Her”
Marriage is a sacred bond that we all as humans get into at some stage in our life. When we get into a relationship with someone, we often think it’s going to be a long-term relationship, lasting for life.
Many women and many men try to find their own happiness by making the decision about marriage. But the point is, does the love that you feel before marriage for your partner will be the same in the future?
Marriage doesn’t only mean that you will be devoted to your partner forever but it also means that there will be children involved.
You are not dating or having just a relationship but now you are a family. You have kids, you are husband and wife, and all the things that marriage brings in our lives are a part of your world. When you decide to get married to a person, you think really hard and make a plan for the future. Marriage is not a decision that you make instantly, no. It has to be carefully thought and planned.
But as time flies by, things might not feel the same in marriage. Sometimes things just don’t work out as we have thought it to be. All that perfection that we had in our mind about husband and wife or children just doesn’t make sense anymore.
It’s the worst thing that can happen to anyone, I know but finding what is wrong is the most sensible thing to do here.
In most common cases, the true love that has been there in the relationship suddenly vanishes over time. You don’t feel the same way about each other anymore and you feel like you are angry with yourself or your partner, which makes things even worse.
Your feelings are high and you just can’t stop thinking about it, to put this matter to rest. Such a feeling is normal when you are hurting because your effort seems meaningless and doesn’t make a difference at all.
Maybe you do need a break eventually for all the right reasons that are present in the relationship. Maybe the pain is not bearable anymore and the desire for the woman you used to love is just, gone.
So what should you do as a married man if you are in such a situation? When you don’t love your wife anymore but also at the same time you don’t want to hurt her.
It might be a bit complicated but we know the 13 steps that can help you with this matter. We know exactly what is going on and we are going to help you guys that are going through the same thing.
So don’t be worried and let’s discuss the 13 steps whether you should leave your wife or should you stay and fix things. Find what is lost. Let’s get started.
Table of Contents
👣 Here are the 13 Steps When This Is You: “I Don’t Love My Wife But I Don’t Want To Hurt Her” 👣
1. Talk and discuss exactly what is wrong
The best way to figure out things that don’t make sense to you is by having a talk about it with somebody. It can be your family, partner, wife, husband just about anyone that you feel confident with to share things with.
Seeing other people’s perspectives about such issues often gives us hope and lets us able to deal with them. Maybe things that we want to hear cannot be heard just by ourselves and for that purpose, we have to discuss and talk about it, instead of making things worse.
Nobody wants to be a bad guy in a relationship but when it comes to dealing with your own feelings, you have to take a certain decision about it. And for that, we have to discuss and figure out the best possible solution for this.
You can’t just go separate ways just because you don’t love your wife anymore, but instead, you have to look at all the possibilities that can still maintain your marriage. Ask your friends and family for help by discussing with them. Let them know how you feel about your wife and partner now.
Maybe that could give you an insight into making a decision. But most importantly, discuss it with your partner first. Let her know what you are actually feeling. Don’t be insensitive and clear up the air that is harboring in your feelings towards her.
2. Point out the abuse in relationships
Many married couples often experience abuse in relationships which can be the cause for love to become absent. Nobody would want to stay with an abusive partner, especially not when there are kids involved. Just imagine, how would the kids feel if they see you or your wife constantly abusing each other. And not just verbally, but emotionally and physically abuse too.
Relationships like that don’t hold together for long and the right decision here would be simply to walk away because happiness is not there anymore. And it’s certainly will not be healthy if children are involved.
If there is physical abuse involved in the relationship that getting out of that will be the smart decision. Simply walk away for the sake of your kids. There shouldn’t be even one excuse to stay when physical abuse is involved. It’s not true love anymore if any of you are abusing each other in any way or form. You are only making the people around you worried and you constantly live in fear because when there is abuse, there is divorce and that is the destroyer of any marriage.
If you have some other woman in your life except your wife like a mistress or if she has some other partner besides you then it’s time to think about your feelings for each other. Your relationship is already over with the person you have married with by having cheating involved in it.
Cheating on your partner is being unfaithful and no happy marriages can ever be built again once you have cheated on your partner. But there are couples who forgive each other and try to build the relationship again.
Cheating once can be forgiven but if it’s repeated again, then it’s a choice and you should not waste a moment by simply having a divorce.
Divorce is imminent if any of you are having sex outside your marriage with a new partner or some other person for all the wrong reasons. You have a good life, that one person you are married to but still you go out with some other person and have a date night while still be in holy matrimony with your husband or wife then what does it all say? It says the damage that can cheating bring is enormous and devastating. And you should not fall for tricks if they say they will change but actually, they don’t.
So walk away because if you loved your wife, you wouldn’t have cheated on her and if she loved you, then she wouldn’t seek someone outside her marriage. You are not hurting her by walking away or having a divorce but instead, you are making a point that instead to feel trapped, it’s okay to be free.
4. You are close but still so distant
In the past, there was romance, similarities and teasings, cuddles and random kisses, spending time together, and going on a date night every week but now, all you can feel around your wife is just emptiness. Her heart seems closed off to you, she seems to be in front of you but actually, you feel you are sitting with a stranger. You don’t know your wife anymore. No matter how much hard work you put into getting close to her, she seems to be getting further and further away.
Many men would stop loving their partner if they feel such a kind of thing. The other half you once called in your relationship with her is not another half anymore. She doesn’t make you feel complete and lets you deal with your things on your own.
Once you were best friends and now all you hear is just silence. If that is the case here then maybe she has decided to change or there must be something on her mind that makes her this way. The good news is you can ask her about it and get to know what’s wrong. The bad news is, she might not open up to you even though you are the closest person to her.
No marriage can work in silence or being distant. You have to get closer to each other every day for a marriage to work. It’s the kind of relationship that has to be worked on from both sides, not one. You may not love her anymore by being treated this way but you can always try your best to figure out the cause.
5. You both want the same thing
Maybe the feeling is mutual now, to fall out of love at the same time in the relationship. Things like that happen all the time. We simply don’t like each other anymore after some time and the relationship just goes towards a direction we never intended it to go.
You have tons of misunderstandings in the relationship but one thing that you agree upon is that you both want the same thing. And that can be anything from having a divorce to working on your marriage. Becoming a great father or mother or keeping children to just one party. You won’t hurt her if she also agrees with you and has enough of the things that marriage has to give.
6. You guys have nothing good to say
When the magic of love is gone from the relationship, you won’t hear the nice things you used to say to each other anymore. You become intolerant to each other and things seem to get boring once you stay in the marriage for long, without saying anything nice to each other. How can that be? when someone who loves you and has nothing nice to say about them. It’s hurting, right?
Does your wife say nice things to you still? Does she create a positive environment at home? If the magic of love is gone, you should too. It’s not healthy to stay in a marriage where your partner doesn’t appreciate you. Nobody will ever stay for that.
7. The mind changes about having kids
Before marriage, you had plans to have kids but now she decides to change her mind. She says things otherwise she used to say about kids and children with you. And that makes you upset because all your plans and hard work you put into this marriage seems to be fading away, just like that. Many men will fall out of love with their spouse if they change so unexpectedly about a very serious issue here. The future that you had in mind is not obtainable anymore and that is a deal-breaker for any husband.
8. The values are lost in time
When it comes to each other values in a marriage, you must be on the same page or at least acknowledge and accept each other values. Because values give us direction in life. The relationship of a marriage is a long journey and you must travel on it together, reaching a common goal in the future. But if there is divergence along the way now and your or her values are changed then it’s time to rethink what’s going coming in the future.
When you are not in sync with each other anymore then you may find yourself walking on a different part than your partner’s. You may be able to cope with all the changes but in due time it will catch up with you and will make you worried. Because you either will have to compromise or go separate ways.
She should help you reach your goals, not change them. If it’s like that then it’s time for you to move on.
9. As a father you bear the hurting and stick around
Being a father is not as easy a task as it seems. You have a lot of responsibilities, taking care of family and children, providing them with food, a safe home, and a healthy environment. But when your partner seems to have been lost in her own world and you have to bear with it for long, it might get overwhelming. It will hurt a lot but you still hang around for the sake of children. That’s the right thing to do but it’s not going to last for long because, during that time, you will start losing your love for your partner. And you will drift apart which eventually will lead to a divorce.
You may have loved your partner a lot but when you have kids, things get a bit different. You both may love them with all your heart but if it’s not the same for each other then it’s time to figure out what’s good for both of you and the children.
10. As a husband, you try to find that burning desire again
Many men would want to fix things with their partners. Even if they are hurt or had hurt you in the past. They still want to have a life with you because they consider girls their other half and they will surely find that burning desire for their partner again and again.
It’s better to figure out things instead of making a decision just because we are feeling emotional. The wise thing to do here is to sit down and look for things you still appreciate about your spouse. Is it her smile? Is it her love? Is it her care? Is it her personality? What are the things you like about her and not hate? Tell her something meaningful and find what’s at stake. The sooner you understand it, the better. You may not love her the way you used to but you can always try a different way of doing that.
11. You make happiness for family No.1 Priority
If love is not there anymore, at least make sure happiness is still around. You don’t want to be treating her differently just because you don’t love your partner anymore. That is hurtful to both. And if there are kids too then it’s even more important to be careful. Never show your wife that you don’t love her anymore in front of kids. It will scar them for life.
Let time heal you both and find happiness in other things if you cannot find it in each other. And if you can’t handle that then divorce is the only option for you because everyone wants happiness in a relationship, not sadness or mental illnesses.
12. You are trying to change both of your lives for good
If you are still trying to fix things in a marriage then it’s a good sign that things might work out for the best. Divorce is a very heartbreaking thing to go through and to deal with that you need a lot of strength, courage, patience, and thinking. You must have proper support from your friends and family because it’s that hard to deal with.
But if you are willing to change and rekindle your love then it’s good news for both of you. All the things that should bring you happiness should be sought after. Whether you are a man or a woman, if you are willing to change your lives for good, it’s a step towards love again. Happy marriages are hard to find but having the strength to forgive each other mistakes and overlook small problems in marriage can lead to happy lives.
13. You take care of her feelings and give hope
Your partner, your soulmate, your woman is still a human being. Even if there are times you don’t seem to love or like her anymore she still has feelings and a heart that is able to feel things. Words or actions can still do harm or heal. So it’s entirely up to you what you wanna give her. A happy moment or a sad moment. Don’t get me wrong, things are always different when it comes to serious issues. But if you still find yourself in a pinnacle, whether you should find that old spark again or should just find a new partner, then you should dig deep inside your soul and figure out that by yourself.
You have to be very mature about this decision and should take care of her feelings even if you don’t love her anymore. You can’t scar your partner forever, right? If you are able to change then let her know and give her some hope that you will stick around and find that love again. If not then don’t play with her feelings and both of you should move on.
Working on marriage is difficult but through counseling, you can make some progress. Maybe there you can bring out all the feelings you haven’t shared before which may help you find an answer to your feeling.
❖ Signs that marriage is over ❖
➽ You don’t have sex anymore with each other.
➽ Your dreams and goals don’t include your partner in them.
➽ There is no room for compromise anymore.
➽ You avoid listening to each other’s problems.
➽ There is a lack of respect in the marriage.
➽ There are more fights than having a lovely time with each other.
➽ Nobody wants to apologize for their mistakes.
➽ You come up with excuses to have some alone time instead of having some time with your partner.
➽ You don’t trust each other at all.
➽. Imagining your spouse with some other doesn’t make you upset.
❖ How To Move On ❖
➮ Get busy with your friends and family.
➮ Acknowledge and accept the change and let it go.
➮ Believe in yourself that you will find love again.
➮ Pamper yourself with happy things.
➮ Do the things that you love and make you happy.
➮ Meet new people and make new friends.
🧐 Conclusions 🧐
Love should never be one-sided. You have to give love in order to receive it. It’s a magical glue that holds two people together in a relationship or marriage. Love makes us happy and should be present in everyone’s lives. Sometimes it gets to a level that even our minds cannot comprehend. It becomes divine and something much more meaningful.
But if you cannot love your partner like that anymore, whatever the reason can be then you have only two options. Either to stay by her side just like you vowed before getting married to her or let both of you find happiness and love someplace else because sticking around in a marriage where love is absent is not only cruel but it’s going to damage both of your lives. And if kids are present then surely it will affect them too. So if you don’t love your partner anymore, follow the steps above to know what is the right move for you. Happiness is your no.1 priority for both you and your family.
🤔 Relevant Questions 🤔
Is it normal to not like your wife?
Yes, you don’t have to like your wife when she is mean, disobedient, disrespectful, or unfaithful. There can be many valid reasons for you to not like your wife. It’s normal if it’s just for time being.
How do you love your wife when you don’t want to?
By accepting her decisions and giving her space. Taking care of her needs still while she figures out her feelings. Accepting her past and letting go of things that harm her or you. Love can be given in many different ways. Just you have to care about the person and don’t hurt them at all.
How do you know when you are not in love with your wife anymore?
When you look at her and don’t feel the same way as you felt the first time you met her. There is nothing nice to say about her anymore and living with her just seems boring. When you can’t tolerate her anymore and when there is cheating involved. If she doesn’t make your heart warm or make you feel like the best man in the world anymore.
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Author: Ruth Jesse
Ruth is a life coach who specialises in finance, relationships and career development. Outside work, she loves writing novels and guides for personal development.