Confidence.
We all want it…
You, me, everyone and anyone wants a slice of the confidence cake.
But some of us struggle to get a piece. You see others happily consuming their slices, and they seem to only associate with others who have a slice as well. You want some…
Badly.
But you just can’t muster up the courage to ask for a slice yourself.
You’re stuck with a single question on your mind – why is it so hard for some people to get a slice of the confidence cake?
There is a way for you to be more confident as well
We’ve all been there.
At the mall we see an attractive person reading a book from afar. Maybe you like their outfit, or their hair, or the fact that they’re browsing in the sci-fi section of the bookstore.
Whatever it is, you sense opportunity. You might never see this person again, and if you don’t say hi now you will never get another chance to do so.
So what do you do?
The excuses begin to wash over you… “I’m not good enough for her,” or “a guy like that has to have a girlfriend already…”
…Sound familiar?
But some people are capable of pushing past those excuses, past their insecurities… Know how?
They have something that lets them progress even in the face of fear and adversity – it’s called confidence.
And you can have confidence as well
You just need to start doing one thing – embracing the idea of failure.
A lack of confidence almost always stems from the thought of potential failure.
We say things to ourselves like “why bother, I know I’m going to fail,” as if we know for sure it won’t work out. This thought process sets us up to become actual failures by mentally priming us to not try our best.
(Or worst, not try at all).
Embracing failure means being able to say you’re feelings aren’t attached to the outcome. It means you can say “I might fail if I try, and that’s okay. But I refuse to fail at life by not even trying.”
You want to be more confident? Then remember this one thing – the only difference between you and a confident person is being willing to give things a go…
…It’s not about winning or losing, it’s about trying.
Now ask yourself this – are you capable of trying? Do you have what it takes to simply give things a go?
No matter how doubtful you are, there’s no way you can say no. Everybody is capable of trying things out, you need only to try one single time.
Now here are the steps for building your confidence
When you need confidence, focus your thoughts on the actions you’re doing – COMPLETELY focus on them.
Let’s use the attractive mall person as an example. When you first start talking to this person (or even as you approach them), you’ll be tempted to focus on the outcome of your conversation, and you won’t be present-focused.
Don’t do this.
If you’re lacking in confidence already, this will only make it worst. It will fill your head with thoughts like:
“What if she doesn’t like me after all?”
“What if I end up looking stupid?”
“What if she thinks I’m ugly?”
Those turn into self-fulfilling prophecies. You end up acting as if those things are true, and you can be damn sure that they’ll pick up on this.
Here’s what you do instead.
Focus all thoughts and action on what you’re doing at that exact moment, EXACT.
A step-by-step process would look something like this:
1) Thoughts: I’m walking up to her. Action: walk up to her.
2) Thoughts: I’m just saying hi. Action: Say hi.
3) Thoughts: I’m just asking her to lunch. Action: Ask her to lunch
And so on…
See what’s happening here?
Let me explain:
All you are doing is aligning your thoughts with your actions. In other words, put full focus on only your CURRENTLY necessary action.
This serves two purposes:
One, it focuses your thoughts into a single useful action. That way there’s no confusion as to what should be happening. Two, keeping that thought locked inside your head effectively drowns out any doubtful thoughts that try and sneak their way inside.
It’s simple, effective, and overlooked as confidence building strategy.
Now it’s possible that the girl (or guy) said yes to your proposal, but it’s just as possible that they said no.
(Even if things went perfectly).
If they said yes then great, obviously you’re more confident because of it.
But if they said no…then that’s where the real knowledge comes from. You’ve learned the most important lesson out there – that you’re capable of trying. Capable of pushing past your fear into real action.
Winning is nice, but failure is what teaches us to be better people. It’s what humbles us and reminds us that confidence must be earned.
Why do you think it’s called “building” up your confidence? You literally need to build upon what your failures have taught you. Each time you learn a bit more about how to approach things, and each time you earn a bit more confidence as well.
So let’s sum this up
Confidence is simply a matter of trying things out. It’s not about winning or losing, just having the will to move forward.
In order to do this, you must be able to accept the idea that you could fail. This separates your feelings from outcomes, allowing you to take action unhindered by doubt. In order to do this, focus on the actions necessary to succeed. Avoid all thoughts associated with outcomes, they will only make excess noise in your head.
All you need to do is give things a shot. If you succeed, great! If you fail, you’ve been given an opportunity to really build some authentic confidence.
Now it’s your turn…
What do you think it takes to build confidence? Is there an easier way than using my method? What do you think are the keys to building true confidence?
Please leave a comment below and tell me your thoughts!
 | Written on 8/14/2013 by Ericson Ay Mires. Ericson Ay Mires is a freelance blogger and is ready for hire. He’s also owner of One Way Thoughts , a self-development blog focused on turning your procrastination into actionable steps. Check out his ultimate guide on beating procrastination today! |
Photo Credit: Glenda Sims
