Am I Demisexual? Understanding and Exploring Your Sexual Identity

By John V

January 10, 2024   •   Fact checked by Dumb Little Man

Sexuality is an intrinsic aspect of our identity. It shapes our relationships, attractions, and how we interact with others. However, understanding one’s sexual identity can often be a daunting task, as there’s an extensive array of sexual orientations that people might align with. One such sexual orientation is demisexuality, a term that has been gaining recognition for over a decade.

In this article, we will explore the question “Am I demisexual?” We will delve into understanding what it means to be a demisexual person and how one may identify as demisexual. It’s worth noting that every individual’s experience is unique, so this is a general guide and might not apply to everyone in the same way.

What is Demisexuality?

The official Demisexuality flag. (Photo: Canva)

The term demisexual comes from the asexual spectrum. A demisexual individual is someone who doesn’t feel sexual attraction towards another person unless they form a strong emotional bond with them. It’s not just about being physically intimate or desiring an emotional connection with someone; it’s a specific circumstance where the person needs an emotional bond to experience sexual attraction.

Demisexuality differs from other sexual orientations, like bisexual, where an individual can be sexually attracted to both genders without needing a deep emotional bond. The difference isn’t in the gender identity of the person you are attracted to, but in how and when you experience sexual attraction.

Recognizing Demisexuality

Demisexual people often have difficulty in their past relationships, particularly in cultures that prioritize sexual desire and casual sex. They might feel out of place, not sharing the common interest in one-night stands, or developing immediate sexual fantasies towards someone they’ve just met.

So how do you identify if you’re demisexual? If the phrase “I only feel sexually attracted to someone when I have a strong emotional connection with them” resonates with you, you might be demisexual. If you often find yourself only feeling sexual attraction towards close friends or partners you’ve known for a long time, these are possible signs of demisexuality.

Emotional intimacy is more important to demisexual folks than physical attraction. They seek emotional compatibility and a strong bond before they can feel attracted to someone. The desire for sexual intimacy usually follows the establishment of a close emotional bond.

There is a broad spectrum of sexual orientations, including demisexuality. If you question, “Am I demisexual?” know that this exploration is a personal journey. Here are a few signs that you might identify as a demisexual:

  • You only develop a sexual attraction towards someone with whom you share a deep emotional bond.
  • You don’t feel sexual attraction when meeting someone new, no matter how physically attractive they are.
  • You struggle with the concept of casual sex and one-night stands.
  • You often feel sexual attraction towards close friends or after getting to know a person deeply.
  • You require emotional intimacy to feel sexual desire.

Demisexuality and the Importance of Emotional Bonds

Photo: Canva

While the exploration of your sexual identity can be challenging, it is essential to understand the critical role that emotional bonds play for demisexual people. When they build an emotional connection or have close friends, they can develop feelings and become attracted to these individuals. An emotional bond with someone doesn’t necessarily mean that a demisexual person will always feel sexually attracted to them, but it’s often a prerequisite.

To be clear, the absence of sexual attraction towards others without a strong emotional bond does not mean a lack of desire for an active sex life or an incapacity for physical intimacy. Rather, these elements of a relationship for demisexual individuals are often interwoven with emotional intimacy and connection. It is a sexual orientation that emphasizes the need for an emotional bond before any sexual desire or attraction can form.

The Demisexual Experience

Demisexuality represents a unique experience in the realm of sexual orientations. It is characterized by a lack of sexual attraction until a strong emotional bond is formed. However, the absence of initial sexual attraction does not equate to a lack of interest or enjoyment in sex. Demisexual people can have a healthy, fulfilling sex life and experience just as much pleasure from sex as any other individual might. The critical difference lies in the conditions necessary for sexual attraction to emerge, specifically the presence of a robust emotional relationship.

The demisexual pride flag is an important symbol within the asexual and demisexual communities. The black triangle represents asexuality, while the white, purple, and gray stripes are indicative of the gray area between sexuality and asexuality where demisexuality resides. The flag is a reminder of the shared experiences and unique identities within this spectrum.

Demisexual people experience attraction in a way that is heavily weighted toward emotional connection. They often find themselves attracted to a person’s personality, shared experiences, or emotional connection, rather than just their physical appearance. While most people might experience immediate sexual attraction upon meeting someone, demisexual people generally do not. Instead, they may develop feelings and sexual attraction over time as emotional intimacy deepens, creating a unique romantic experience that challenges conventional understandings of sexual attraction.

Common Misconceptions About Demisexuality

Photo: Canva

Unfortunately, demisexuality is often misunderstood or mislabeled in our society, leading to a myriad of misconceptions. Some people might mistake demisexuality as a conscious choice to abstain from casual sex or sexual activity outside of romantic relationships. However, this is a significant misunderstanding. The absence of sexual attraction that demisexual individuals experience without a strong emotional connection is not a choice; it is an inherent part of their sexual orientation.

Another common misunderstanding is the association of demisexuality with the desire to know someone well before engaging in sexual activities. While it is true that demisexual people need a deep connection before feeling sexually attracted, this connection goes beyond merely knowing a person. It is about forming an emotional bond, experiencing emotional intimacy, and establishing trust, not just having information about someone’s background or life.

Demisexuality and Relationships

When it comes to relationships, demisexual individuals face unique challenges, especially in societies that lack a widespread understanding of demisexuality. The early stages of dating, for example, can be particularly difficult. In these phases, sexual attraction is often expected, but a demisexual individual may not feel this attraction yet because they are still building an emotional connection.

Romantic feelings and sexual attraction are two different concepts that don’t always go hand-in-hand for demisexual people. It is entirely possible for them to be in a romantic relationship without feeling sexual attraction towards their partner. This might seem counterintuitive in a world that often conflates romantic and sexual attraction, but it is a reality for many demisexual individuals.

With time and the deepening of emotional intimacy, a strong emotional bond might trigger sexual attraction, but this isn’t guaranteed. It’s important to remember that every demisexual person’s experience can differ, and there’s no ‘standard’ timeline or pathway to sexual attraction. Each relationship a demisexual person forms is as unique as the emotional bond that fuels it.

A Note on Asexuality and Gray Asexuality

The asexual (left) flag and pride (right) flag. (Photo: Canva)

Demisexuality, while being part of the asexual spectrum, is a distinct identity within it. The asexual spectrum encapsulates a range of experiences related to the absence, rarity, or conditionality of sexual attraction. Asexuality represents a lack of sexual attraction towards anyone, which differs from demisexuality. Demisexual individuals can experience sexual attraction, but it typically emerges under specific circumstances – namely, the presence of a strong emotional bond with another person.

Gray asexuality, or graysexuality, represents another point along the asexual spectrum. Individuals identifying as gray asexual might occasionally experience sexual attraction but generally do not. The experiences of gray asexuals can vary widely, and they may be less predictable than demisexuality, where a clear pattern of attraction linked to emotional bonding exists. While these identities share commonalities, they each provide a unique perspective on sexual attraction and its role in relationships and personal identity.

The Intersectionality of Demisexuality

Demisexuality does not exist in isolation. It intersects with various aspects of one’s identity, including gender identity, romantic orientation, and experiences of sexual attraction. This intersectionality can lead to a broad spectrum of experiences within the demisexual community.

For instance, a demisexual individual can identify as heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, or panromantic in their romantic attractions. These orientations dictate to whom a person is attracted, while demisexuality describes how and when sexual attraction is experienced. Similarly, a demisexual individual can identify anywhere along the gender identity spectrum – they may identify as male, female, non-binary, genderfluid, or any other gender identity.

Ultimately, demisexuality is about the conditions under which sexual attraction arises, not the gender of the person to whom one is attracted. It’s important to remember that a demisexual person can be attracted to any gender, as long as there is a strong emotional bond.

The Value of Support and Understanding

Photo: Canva

Navigating any sexual orientation can be challenging, especially in the face of societal pressure and misunderstanding. For individuals who identify as demisexual, understanding, compassion, and support are indispensable tools.

There’s a profound need for demisexual people to feel seen, accepted, and loved. This need is fulfilled through supportive relationships – whether with family, friends, or communities that share similar experiences. By offering understanding and support, you not only validate their identity but also help combat the misconceptions and biases that persist around demisexuality.

Support networks can significantly impact demisexual individuals’ well-being and self-perception. Having people who understand their orientation can help them navigate potential challenges and feel confident in their identity. It’s a reminder that their experiences are valid, and they are not alone in their journey. By fostering an environment of understanding and acceptance, we can help create a society that celebrates, not just tolerates, all identities.


The most important thing to remember while exploring your sexual identity is self-understanding and acceptance. Everyone has unique experiences, feelings, and attractions. So, whether you identify as demisexual or align with other sexual orientations, recognize that your feelings are valid.

Understanding your sexual orientation, whether you’re demisexual or otherwise, can significantly improve your relationships and your self-understanding. It’s a journey of self-exploration, and there’s no rush to label yourself. If you find yourself identifying with the experiences shared in this article, you may be demisexual. However, remember, only you can determine your sexual identity.

>> Also Read: 30 Telltale Signs of Attraction: Explore and Verify

FAQs: Am I Demisexual?

How can I know if I am demisexual?

Understanding your sexual identity can be a deeply personal and complex journey. If you find that you only feel sexually attracted to someone after forming a strong emotional bond, you may identify as demisexual. It’s crucial to remember that everyone’s experience with demisexuality can be different. There are no set rules or definitive tests to determine this – it’s about introspection and identifying what resonates with your experiences and feelings. You might also find it helpful to speak with others in the demisexual community or consult with a mental health professional knowledgeable about different sexual orientations.

Can a demisexual person enjoy sex?

Absolutely. Being demisexual does not mean that one doesn’t enjoy sex or desire sexual intimacy. A demisexual person can enjoy sex just as much as anyone else. The difference lies in the conditions under which they feel sexual attraction. For demisexual individuals, sexual attraction typically arises after a strong emotional bond has been formed, but this doesn’t diminish their ability to enjoy sex or experience sexual pleasure.

How can I support someone who identifies as demisexual?

Support can come in various forms. Firstly, educate yourself about demisexuality to understand their experiences better. You can read articles, watch videos, or participate in discussions to gain more knowledge. Second, ensure that you are creating a safe and accepting space for them to express their feelings. Be patient and open-minded as they share their experiences. Lastly, validate their identity and experiences. Affirm that they are not alone, and their feelings are legitimate. It’s essential to treat them with kindness, empathy, and respect – like you would anyone else.





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John V

John is a digital marketing master's student who enjoys writing articles on business, finance, health, and relationships in his free time. His diverse interests and ability to convey complex ideas in a clear, engaging manner make him a valuable contributor to these fields.

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