How NOT to Try and Help People in Times of Stress
Whether you are a kind, helpful person or an egoistic introvert, you will always find yourself in a situation when you can’t help but to feel sorry for a person and try your best to support him or her. Of course, there are people who are urging to look friendly and supportive for their own benefit, but there are surely a lot of people who mean it from the heart. Now, the problem sometimes is that people might not realise that what they are doing is actually doing more harm than good, it’s especially common with those in love. With time, couples realize how and what to do, they adjust to each other, but if it only concerns someone just trying to show attention and care out of love to someone not really close, it might not turn how people might want it to be.
Now, why does this happen? Easy, our feelings and emotions drive us and if one does not take them under control, they might drive us somewhere off road. Now, helping loved ones is wonderful, but there are still things needed to be followed.
1. Be Confident
Whatever you’re going to do, do it with confidence. If your desire to help someone comes truly from the heart, be sure to do it as planned or, in case something goes wrong, without any hesitation. Otherwise, even if your actions are considered to be helpful, they won’t bring any good. Be clear about your intentions and their executions. Don’t change your opinion and decisions, unless it’s really important. If you have promised to do something (even just to yourself) than do it.
This should always be a principal. If you have stated that you will do something, they people will wait for you to do it, even if they are reluctant about it. Changing your already not best decision may cause even worse results.
2. Don’t Be Desperate and Do Everything For a Person
It’s always great when a person is really helpful towards the other, but it should never turn into obsession. No matter how much you are devoted to someone, you should also think about yourself once in a while. Not for the ego sake, but to be able to help a person more efficiently in the future. You shouldn’t spend too much money on a person: apart from exhausting all your belongings, the person will get used to it and eventually overlook any of your other qualities.
Other than that, spending all your time for that special someone, may lead to weariness and problems at work and/or in studies. So help others, but also be sure to help yourself.
3. Do Not Be A Pain in The Bottom
Showing one’s support can be touching and heart-warming, but only when it’s not to an extent of being annoying. Especially if a person is attracted to another person, he/she might become obsessive about showing attention and support. It’s understandable if someone really needs help, but otherwise can be unhelpful. If you go as far as spending lots of money to help the person or neglect your duties and responsibilities just to help him or her, the person will feel very awkward, as they will feel indebted to you, even if you do not intend to get anything in return.
Apart from that, a person might just not be into you. Sure, acts of care can be very sweet, but as practice shows, they mostly come out as creepy and you just may become a stalker without actually realizing that.
4. Imagine That You Help Yourself
Some people might go out of their way for others or think of numerous ways that they imagine would really help the one in need. If you’ve recognized yourself in that description, it’s not that bad. It shows that you can be really devoted either to another person or to helping others. However, some of the strategies that you execute might not turn out how they are planned to be.
For instance, imagine that you are a young, ambitious guy (if you’re not already) and you fall in love with a girl of your dreams. You’re quite open about it, but she’s not showing much enthusiasm. So, you want to try something to persuade her. After contemplating about the things that girls fall for, you decide that trivial mix of chocolate and flowers should do the trick. You buy a huge bouquet of… let’s say, 101 red roses. Not bad! As for some reasons she refuses to disclose her address or you just want to turn it into a great surprise, you decide to wait for her before she starts her classes at university or work. When the moment comes, you give the flowers, the girl is happy and with utmost glory and pride you head off to for your daily routine, assured that her heart has melted. However, for how long is she going to stay happy? Sure, any woman would be amazed by such a gift, but imagine her having to carry that red monstrosity around all day. Not only is it heavy, but it’ll probably be hard to wrap one’s hands around them. Also, think about the spikes on the roses and the fact that they wilt really fast, especially in such quantity.
So yeah, might not be a very pleasant experience. And don’t limit yourself to just this kind of scenarios. When doing something for a person that he or she didn’t ask for, think about how you would feel if someone would do this for you.
5. Be Honest About Your Actions
Imagine an old lady walking on the street or a disabled person or a veteran sitting and begging in a crowded place. Now, as sad as it may be, most people go right past them, pretending that there’s no one there. It’s not necessarily due to cold-heartedness of the crowd, the majority is just rushing to get to work, a meeting, a date, you name it. Some may not have spare time for acts of charity. Those that do might really difference from each other: there are those that really feel pity and might even stop to talk or even go to a shop and buy some food for the beggars. Then there are those who would throw some money and carry on, without feeling anything at all, relating to it as some kind of chore. And then there are even those that feel the need to read notations to the poor people, like Christian Bale’s character in the American Psyco (excluding the bloody consequences, of course).
Now, the same can be said about any analogic scenario, when helping someone, people might do it out of sincereness, the feel of obligation or just to show off. To put it simply, it’s not what the present itself is, it’s about its presentation. Even the slightest pat on the back can make a huge difference if it comes from the heart. The ultimate tip: if you don’t really feel like helping a person and you don’t really need to, don’t try and force yourself to do it or find easy ways to just brush a person and his/her problems off. I’m not stating that you shouldn’t help at all, just don’t be a Shakespearean actor about it and pretend that you mean it. I wouldn’t say that not helping at all is an option, but there definitely shouldn’t be any false attitude about it.
Let’s recall that we have learned so far: you shouldn’t be: deceiving, annoying, quick to decide, indecisive and desperate. The main principle about in all of this would be the last clause – being helpful from the heart.