I did a video yesterday for a challenge that I’m doing and I was talking about something that I’m working on in the challenge. A comment from the leader came back and said that what stood out for her was how I’m constantly in “should”:
“I should have done…”, “I should have been able to…” and “I should…”.
Always “I should…”.
The day before, another friend commented on one of my posts that no matter how much I did, it was never enough: I SHOULD be doing more, I OUGHT to be doing more.
I don’t go into “Woulda” very much but I definitely do “OUGHTA”…
Actually, I do go into “would” but “would” is victim and I tend to go into blaming: the “ought to’s” and “should have’s”
At least, when I’m talking about myself, I go into blaming myself. I’m a bit more lenient on everyone else- sometimes.
The thing is, I can logically reason a solid basis for going into the “shoulds” and “oughts”. I’m aware that I’m not producing at 100% capacity.
I know I’m not being as efficient with my time as I could be and I know I’m hiding out and not doing what needs doing.
I know that if I just get my act together, I’d be producing way more and be way more effective than I am now.
And I know that I ought to be one of the top coaches and mindset experts in the world right now, but I don’t have my stuff together yet.
I ought to have my stuff together because I’ve been working with a mentor for a year now. Besides, I’ve been a coach for 15 years! I ought to be much further ahead than I am now.
And there’s no excuse! None! Not one! Well, except that I haven’t got my act together and I’m not giving it 100%.
By the way, I hate it when people talk about giving more than 100%: HOW?
How can you possibly give more than 100%? How can you start being your best self?
Not that I’m blaming anyone, you understand?
See how easy it is? See how easy it is for me to slide effortlessly into blaming about not being good enough? I start off well, being all objective and constructive. Then, ever so subtly, I always end up making myself wrong.
It even sounds like a logical step, doesn’t it? There’s no jarring change in tempo or direction. It just flows.
How interesting is that?
Our minds automatically go from detached, open-minded objectivity to pointing the finger, blame and make wrong.
I didn’t even notice it in what I was saying in either the video or the post! I didn’t see it or hear it. Honestly, it didn’t exist for me.
It’s just the truth and it’s just the way things are.
It’s a simple statement of fact.
So, what do you do about it? Because I can guarantee that if you want to create the things that you really want in your life, you’ll have to deal with this.
Notice yourself doing self-blame
First of all, you have to NOTICE it. You must notice yourself doing it so you can catch yourself and do something different. The easiest way to do this is to either journal or video yourself talking about yourself and your life, where it’s at, what you want, what you’ve done and haven’t done so far.
Then, get someone to read or watch it.
Scary, I know, but it’s the best way to do it.
If you can’t bring yourself to do that, you read or watch it. The problem with doing it this way is that we tend to believe that what we write or say about ourselves is the truth. It sounds true and it lands for us as just a statement of fact.
This is why we need someone else to point things out for us.
Notice what you say about yourself:
Are you not good enough?
Do you never do enough?
Should you be doing more?
Are you comparing yourself to others?
Does no one appreciate you?
Are you a victim?
Write it down
Pay attention to the wording that you use.
Do the same thing again but this time, write about yourself and your life and listen out for the coulda, shoulda, woulda, oughta.
Now, here’s the challenge: Write about yourself and your life as though you’re a complete superstar who plays all out and always does everything to the best of your ability.
If you keep on catching yourself while you’re speaking, thinking, and writing about yourself and making a consistent, committed effort to support and admire yourself, pretty soon your whole life will be completely different.
Can you imagine that? Can you imagine how differently you’d feel about yourself if you just believe that everything you do is what’s necessary?
Believe you’re being your best self
I don’t know whether you’ve ever experienced it, but when you’re in the company of someone who thinks you’re amazing, the whole world is different. You’ll be different. You act differently, think differently, and do different things.
Imagine if you lived in that space all the time, where you’re in the company of someone who thinks you’re totally awesome…
Someone who always speaks and acts in alignment with what’s important to him,
Someone who never lets himself down,
Or someone who knows that whatever happens, he’s done the best he can?
Can you imagine that?
Now imagine if that person were you.
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Author: Karen O'Connor
After 10 years of trying, I finally admitted that being a stay at home mum wasn't for me. Now I'm a writer, blogger, mindset expansion expert, property developer and entrepreneur, and a much happier wife and mum.