8 Things a Pickup Artist Can Teach You About Seducing Your Spouse


April 3, 2008   •   Fact checked by Dumb Little Man

Written on 4/03/2008 by Clay Collins, the author of The Growing Life.

In 2005, a book entitiled, The Game, hit The New York Times bestseller list and exposed to the world an underground community of pickup artists to the world. Intrigued by the The Game’s popularity, I read Neil Strauss’ book and was both shocked and awed by the seduction community and its sophisticated methods.

Like most readers of The Game, I googled the more colorful pickup artists mentioned in the book, for example “Mystery” and “Lovedrop.” What I found was a series of internet message boards engineered to help pickup artists exchange information, advice, and experiences.

While I did find the expected misogynists on seduction message boards, I also encountered a group of insatiable students of human psychology. Phrases like “social proof,” “real social dynamics,” “metaphorical buyer’s remorse,” and “demonstrations of higher value” were tossed around casually. Furthermore, there was an absence of the anticipated fratboy-esque dialog. Most surprisingly, however, I encountered more than a few married people who were using the methods, techniques, and philosophies of the seduction community to enliven their marriages and become more attractive to their partners.

Here are 8 tips (of several more) these men learned from the seduction community about “picking up” their wives:

    1. Don’t be a puppy dog: Pickup artists often observe that “AFCs” (average frustrated chumps) follow beautiful women around like puppy dogs, trying to buy them drinks, and sycophantically sucking up to them. While it’s important to give your spouse attention and let them know you care, smothering is a bad idea and can extinguish passion. Give your spouse some space and room to breathe. As one pickup artist is famous for saying, “give them the gift of missing you.” 
  • Be occasionally unpredictable: In the right circumstances and the right contexts, unpredictability is exciting and interesting. If you and your spouse are stuck in some ruts, try switching things up and surprising them. Leave them trying to guess what you’ll do next. If you normally go out to eat on Thursday nights, try ordering takeout and bringing your spouse to roller derby bout instead. 
  • Don’t go on “dates”: Most pickup artists believe that traditional dates (like dinner and a movie) do nothing to create attraction. Instead, go to a busy street, buy ice-cream, and people watch, or go for a drive and find a makeout spot. You get the picture. 
  • Be interesting: Pickup artists often practice magic, know a thing or two about palmistry and handwriting analysis, and can tell a great story when needed. The intent is not to be a dancing monkey performing tricks on demand; rather, the goal is to be different, interesting, and memorable. While handwriting analysis or palmistry may get you nowhere with your spouse, learning to rock climb or play a banjo will introduce an additional attractive dimension to your personality. Showing your spouse how to rock climb, or playing the banjo for her, however, will be even more attractive. 
  • Talk slowly: Pickup artists often purchase voice recorders to help slow down and deepen their voice. Speaking slowly, deliberately, and with varied inflection implies confidence, which is the universal aphrodisiac. 
  • Be decisive: Pickup artists train to be decisive, and when they suggest a date they always have a time, a date, and a place in mind. None of this “I’d like to do whatever you want to do” stuff. Decisiveness is sexy, and one can be decisive without being pushy or overpowering. If you suggest a date, then know where you want to go, what time you want to be there, and what you want to do afterwards. If your spouse wants to do something else then that’s fine, but try to always have a plan. Decision making can be exhausting, especially after a long day of work, so be willing to relieve your spouse of that role and create experiences. 
  • Two steps forward, one step back: With this mantra, pickup artists learn to create expectation during, um…, times of closeness. If you’re in the middle of kissing, then stop for a bit, let expectations build, and then resume and let things build up to the next level. Try stopping again at that point to let expectations build once again. Maintain this pattern for as long as you can and you’ll drive your spouse crazy (in a good way). 
  • Never ever be negative: The consensus in the seduction community is that negativity kills attraction and Neil Strauss, author of The Game, is known for giving away a dollar each time he makes a negative comment. While giving away money might be too strong of a medicine for your taste, know that the elimination of negativity and negative comments will likely do wonders for your marriage.

Good luck tonight!



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