Dumb Little Man | Tips for Life

They weren’t ready for the right evaluations (of themselves and their partners) and couldn’t anticipate the profound change that marriage would bring to their lives.

Are you thinking of getting married? In that case, have you made a careful assessment of your relationship to check if it is marriage-ready?

If not, here are the six crucial questions that you must ask yourselves before you pop the question.

While there are many more factors specific to your relationship which you can (and should) take into account, make sure you don’t miss out on these six.

1. Are our life and career goals similar?

Marriage is a decision to inextricably join your life with someone else’s. Aligning your life, career and other important goals is crucial.

Do you want to settle down in a quaint suburb and have lots of kids? Then don’t marry someone who wants to live and work in five continents.

Are you planning to pool all your resources, throw them (and yourself) head-on into your new start-up – the dream of your life? Then don’t marry someone who wants a stable, cushy life and lots of “quality time” together.

You get the point.

2. Do we fulfill each other's needs?

We all have emotional, intellectual, physical, practical, social and various other needs from a relationship. If you’re in a relationship and are planning to get married, ask yourself – have you made a rational, clear-headed evaluation of whether and how much of your needs your significant other fulfills?

Or are you glossing over your unfulfilled needs thinking “every relationship requires compromise”?

This is important because when we’re in the throes of that addictive drug called love, we tend to see only positives in the person we’re in love with.

Now nothing can be truer than the fact that every relationship takes some ceding of grounds, and kudos to you if you’re willingly doing your bit.

But if you ignore your basic needs, they will find a way to come back to you in the long run – in the form of fights, emotional abuse, cheating and even divorce.

3. Do we know really know each other?

I was once with a guy who lied about his age on Facebook, and I never asked him about it. We were six months into the relationship when I discovered he was five years older than I thought.

Yes, you guessed it – that was not the only lie on which the relationship was based. No wonder we didn’t stay together much more than a year.

Knowing your partner and allowing them to know you are vital aspects of a stable relationship. Trust takes an immense amount of work (and time) to build, but only seconds to lose.

Be honest and tell your partner everything you think they should know about you. This will make it easier for them to do the same.

Needless to say, if you can’t trust your partner enough to do that, it is probably not the time to think about marriage.

4. Do we know how to deal with each other’s "negative" sides?

You can’t live without your dogs. But your girlfriend would rather die than live with them.

You’re a devil incarnate when you’re angry.

You’re struggling with a bad spending habit.

We all have our negative aspects. If you’re thinking about making a lifelong commitment to someone it’s crucial to understand and develop strategies to deal with each other’s less-than-desirable traits.

Make a conscious decision to go (or not to go) pet-less for the rest of your life for a partner who’s allergic to your pets. Make your peace with the problematic spending habits of your significant other before you decide to take the plunge.

It takes time to understand and deal with things we don’t like about our partners. And until and unless you’ve spent that time, you’re not ready to make a decision on marriage.

5. Do we admire and respect each other?

Intelligence? Simplicity? A caring heart? A strong common interest? Is there something in him/her which genuinely complements you in ways more than one?

Falling in love with someone “for no particular reason” is great for the heady period of infatuation but not nearly enough for the everyday reality of marriage.

Ask yourselves whether you admire each other for the special individuals that you are and the unique qualities that you both possess.

Marriage is a long – sometimes boring, but stable – commitment. It cannot be based on whether someone is exciting to you. It has to be about finding long-term fulfilment and happiness in the individuals that you are.

6. Am I ready to think of him/her as a parent of my children?

You love your partner like mad? Great. But do you also respect them? Are you proud of them?

Remember, your legacy to this world will be as much a part of you as of him/her.

Unless it fills your heart with joy to think of them as a parent of your children, you should probably think about that marriage thing again. In this regard it’s important to take not only your significant other, but also their family into account. Your child will carry as much of your genes as theirs. Is that something that makes you happy?

Marriage is a decision that will change your life, one way or the other.

Keeping a few basic principles in mind and asking the right questions will make sure you steer clear of pitfalls that often contribute to divorce.

And like a ray of sunlight peeking through dark clouds, your inner capacity for joy will begin peeking through, brightening up your life once again.

Here are the most common negative beliefs that can limit your potential for happiness:

1. “People are either good or bad”

If you tend to see the world as either black or white, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

No one is always good (or bad). Inside every person, including you and me, are good thoughts and bad thoughts, things we are proud of having done and things we wish we could change. Someone may be a great father but a poor husband.

Another person may act out of love at home but feel bitter when she is at work. Many of us wouldn’t harm a living thing consciously, but enjoy eating meat. Contradictions are a part of life.

Here's the solution:

• Next time someone disappoints you, or you face a part of yourself that is not perfect, remind yourself that perfection is a dangerous illusion.
• Then, try to consciously recall something about the person or situation that you love. For example, if your spouse annoys the heck out of you by being messy at home, accept the anger, but also recall a specific time in the recent past when he made you happy. It could be something big, like supporting you when no one else did, or even something small, like getting you morning coffee in bed.

When you can see yourself and others as flawed but still beautiful and worthy, you will love and forgive more easily.

2. “Anyone different/unknown is weird”

To a conservative, being liberal is weird. To a vegetarian, all meat eaters seem weird. Rich folks look at poor neighborhoods with fear and mis-trust; and vice versa.

When we don’t know or understand something, it scares us.

The solution? 

When you have this reaction to something or someone, challenge yourself to learn more about it.

For example. let’s say your religion is very important to you and your daughter is dating someone of a different faith.

Rather than jump to the conclusion that you will never be able to “get” him, challenge yourself to be curious. Ask open, gentle questions about his faith and his upbringing. You don’t have to agree, but you can still try to understand.

Whenever ignorance is replaced by understanding, there is hope and possibility for joy.

3. “Believing in myself requires me to block out other opinions”

We are often told to “Stand tall”, “Believe in yourself” and “Drown out the voices that disagree.” While it’s important to stand behind your beliefs, it’s also essential to know how to react to differing opinions.

Truly successful people welcome other people’s opinions, even if they contradict their own.

Why?

Because they understand that each person has a unique perspective. And that there is often more than one right answer to a problem.

So how do you deal with this limiting belief?

Whenever I’m tempted to think my opinion is THE right one, I recall the story of the four blind men:

Four men were arguing about religion and God, each insisting that their God was the “real” one. Unable to convince one another, they went to Buddha. 

Buddha brought the four blind men to an elephant and asked them to tell him what they “see”. One man was near the trunk and thus said it is a cylinder, the next was near the stomach and so insisted it was a wall, the third was near the leg and felt sure it was a pillar and the fourth man got the tail and was adamant it was a rope. 

Buddha asked “So who is right?”

Every problem or situation has many sides to it. While yours may be true for you, other opinions can also be true.

Perspective changes everything.

4. “I have to feel whatever my thoughts tell me to”

Thoughts are extremely powerful and we’ve all felt their power at one time or another. But unhappy people are constantly overwhelmed by their thoughts and believe that if they have a sad thought, they have to feel sad.

Genuinely happy people know that thoughts are temporary, like clouds in the sky, and they often come and go randomly.

Just because you have an angry thought, you don’t have to end up feeling angry. You can choose what to do with that thought. You can either let it pass and focus on other thoughts, or you can obsess over it, making it stronger and more powerful.

The solution?

Try this out: Next time you have an unhappy thought, just acknowledge it and bring your attention to your body and the present moment.

For example, if you are at a meeting, focus on the feeling of the chair against your back or your shoes on the floor. If you are drinking something, fill your awareness with the sense of taste and smell. Then, bring your mind back to what you want to learn or take away from the meeting. As you do this, the angry thoughts will linger for a while, and then float away, to be replaced by other thoughts.

“I have to act out whatever I’m feeling.”

This is part 2 of the “thoughts-feelings-actions” loop.

For example: If you feel the urge to skip your morning work out, it doesn't mean you need to act on that feeling. You may choose to consciously skip it, because maybe it’s a saturday morning and you decide to snuggle with your kids instead. But you can also choose to work out, in spite of what you feel.

Feelings too are temporary, like thoughts. The feelings you pay attention to will stay and expand, whereas the ones you choose to let go of, will float away.

5. “Control is a part of love”

True love is freeing and unconditional. It does not seek to control, intimidate or change.

When you try to control your loved ones, you will slowly but surely lose them. Real love is about open listening, positive regard, and encouraging autonomy, while being available to protect and support. It’s a delicate balance. And people who know how to do it well are rewarded with loyalty and trust.

Unhappy people try to control others. They worry that without the control, the other person will leave them.

The solution?

Learn to love others freely. But before you can love others, you have to love yourself. If this is a struggle for you, I highly recommend reading this article for some powerful ways to begin the journey.

6. “More is better”

Many of us have almost unlimited choices in many areas of our life, from politics and education to fashion, so why then are we unhappier than ever before?

I spent much of my 20‘s chasing after things and achievements. Yes, they gave me some happiness, but it was always be temporary. When the happiness wore off, I chased after something else, hoping this new thing would finally lead to lasting happiness. It took me a few years to really understand that I could not buy my way to true joy.

Happiness is internal, a way of thinking.

So, what's the solution to "more is better"?

If you think that you can achieve happiness by acquiring more or having more choices, please do yourself a favor and watch this short TED talk by psychologist Barry Schwartz.

It will blow your mind.

7. “The worst things always happen to me”

Do you often feel like you are singled out for life’s miseries?

Do you feel like you always seem to get the short end of the stick?

If you do, check out this true story:

One day, the son of a wealthy merchant fell into a well and was saved by a passing farmer who heard his cries for help. The merchant came to thank the farmer for saving his son’s life, and offered him money as a reward. 

The farmer declined to take money but agreed to the merchant's offer to educate the poor farmer’s son for free. The boy was brilliant and loved to learn and eventually grew up to be Alexander Fleming, who discovered penicillin. 

A few decades later, the rich merchant’s son caught pneumonia. This usually meant death in those times, but he was saved by the penicillin that Alexander had just discovered. 

The boy had a full recovery, and grew up to be Winston Churchill.

In every situation, there is a silver lining. What seems like the worst luck today, may indeed save your life tomorrow. And as Carl Sagan said, “We are all star dust.” Every living thing is connected and each of us have our share of suffering.

So remember to look for the silver lining in your difficulties.

Your life is a garden and these negative beliefs are like weeds. If you allow it, they will take over and destroy your life. So begin weeding them out of your mind today and make room for joy to take root and grow.

Because you deserve it.

I can’t tell you the times I wrapped a towel from my mother’s linen closet around my neck and ran off to simulate flying.

Every boy has once dreamed of being faster than a speeding bullet and more powerful than a locomotive. But somewhere between adolescence and high school our once lofty dreams approach life from a safer perspective.

There are unspoken rules of conduct that men abide by.

See, the worst insult you could give a man is that he’s somehow acting less than what a ‘real’ man should.

So we go through great lengths to ensure our manhood is not questioned. In this we often lose sight of transparency or being authentic. Instead we work overtime to keep up a facade. This behavior is passed down time and time again. But as men, we can never grow beyond what we refuse to confront.

Here are a few ‘myths’ we carry as men of steel:

• Men don’t have feelings, therefore they cannot be hurt:  This is a flat out lie. As I often say, we have the same feelings as women. We just express our feelings in a different way. Any guy who says a woman has never broken his heart or let him down needs to get his head examined. As men, we are occupational while women tend to be relational. We find our identity in what we do, not who we know. 
• Men don’t like to talk:  The truth is, we don’t like to talk at the exact moment women do, but we do talk. We speak about things that affect us or inspire us. If you ever want to see a guy get chatty, tap into what he’s passionate about. That’s what matters most to men.
• Men avoid commitment at all costs:  What connects us to our manhood is how well our family is taken care of. I don’t believe I have been more ashamed or disappointed in myself than when my finances fell too short to take care of my family. I felt less than a man. Often if we doubt our ability to provide, we tend to shy away from that commitment.
• Men never get depressed:  Yes we do. The difference is, early in boyhood we were told, big boys don’t cry. We took that mantra to heart. In fact, we added that big boys don’t share their emotions. We took it as a sign of weakness. But anything without a pressure valve to give release will likely explode.

I have always been fascinated with the story of Superman. Not just because of his incredible acts of heroics, but because the people closest to him never made the connection.

Somehow he could come up missing, he could save their lives and spend time with them, and no one ever thought Clark was really Superman.

I guess that’s appropriate. As men, we have lived the truth that it’s the other way around. Superman, was really Clark Kent all along.

See you at the TOP!

Early Jackson

Why? I sweat.

A lot. 

I sweat so much I have to carry around a little cloth with me. I sweat so much, I sometimes have to wring out that cloth.

While in grade school I asked to be excused from class to avoid square dancing – I never came back to class that day.

It’s a disease called hyperhidrosis, but I always imagined that nobody would understand the scientific aspects so I became incredibly self-conscious.

If I had to shake people’s hand, I would feel strange around them for fear that they were disgusted by me.

Love Yourself or Nobody Else Will

Far from a loner, my closest friends were those who knew about my sweaty hands. We rarely talked about it, but they knew.

The relationship I had with those friends was great because I learned to accept myself when I was around them. With most other people, I never accepted my sweating disease.

More importantly, when I felt uncomfortable and disgusted with myself, the emotions were reciprocated by others through a part of the brain known as “mirror neurons”.

The frontal lobe has neurons that signal when you are being touched, but there are also neurons that signal when you see other people being touched. In the same way, when my sweaty hands made me feel noticeably uncomfortable, other people were feeling the same discomfort.

Now, I have grown enough to overcome most of my self-consciousness with sweating. Before anyone else could love me, I realized that I had to love myself. Embracing my situation and myself was the only way that I could be accepted fully by others.

While it is a life-long process when self-consciousness has rooted itself deep in your mind, here are 6 ways that I have been able to tackle self-consciousness:

1. Embrace what you cannot control. Conventional wisdom often tells us that it is good to accept ourselves the way we are. Acceptance is great, but I feel it doesn’t have a strong enough connotation to promote real change with self-consciousness. Don’t just accept what you cannot control, but fully embrace it. It may never be a positive thing, but it is a part of you and embrace how much stronger the adversity has made you become.
2. Create selective blind spots. Many people who are naturally free from crippling self-consciousness are simply ignorant of their flaws. You can replicate this by telling yourself whatever you need to make yourself feel better. For example, I might tell myself that my sweating is actually a good thing for some identified reason.
3. Recognize where your flaws are helpful. No matter how bitter your problems, there are probably some ways that they can help. When I drop dry food on the floor, my sweaty hands act like an efficient sweeper. In one instance, a member of the opposite sex continued raving about how attractive it was. Why be self-conscious when other people might like it?
4. Talk to many strangers. Regardless of what you are self-conscious about, talking to strangers and people in general will help you to feel more comfortable. As much as you accept and embrace your own flaws, the true test is getting out with strangers and interacting with them on a routine basis. Not getting good feedback from people? Maybe you haven’t really gotten rid of self-consciousness. Keep testing and trying.
5. Bleed emotionally with others. Not everyone is emotional in the same way, but when you bleed about your thoughts and feelings, there is nothing left to hide. Start telling friends about whatever makes you self-conscious and you will realize that it is mostly in your imagination. Then tell the world in a blog (like this one) and there are even fewer people to hide from.
6. Do something completely absurd in public. Going out in public and doing something completely absurd might sound silly, but afterwards there is little to be self-conscious about. As with bleeding emotionally, you go to the extreme in a physical sense to recognize that your problems are not that great. Last week I ran for two miles in my underwear around campus (for charity) and I could feel self-consciousness slipping away.

If you have other methods to help you love yourself more, practice them as long as you need to in order to remove self-consciousness.

It has dictated my life for many years so it is a slow and steady process, but an absolutely necessary one.

By removing self-consciousness in your life, you will find better relationships with people who are as comfortable with you as you are with yourself.

Whether these toxic influences are sabotaging you intentionally or not, identifying and removing them from your life can dramatically improve your health, wealth, and general well-being.

11 Frenemies You Should Dump, Right Now

1. Needy Nancy: She is constantly insecure about “us” and needs frequent reinforcement that you are still friends. If more than a week goes by without a coffee, lunch, or long chat, things get awkward fast. Real friendships are a two-way street, and Nancy is always driving in the same direction. 
2. Competitive Charlie: He wants what you have, and he’s watching to see what “edge” he can get. Everything is a contest, and he’s more interested in getting ahead than supporting your successes. Realize that he doesn’t have your back — and you shouldn’t have his.
3. Debbie Downer: Life sucks and she knows it. The glass is always half-empty, people are inherently evil, and nothing can change her mind. Be careful — Debbie will wet your blanket before long. 
4. Broadway Bob: If he were a play or movie, it would certainly be classified as a drama. Just when sailing gets smooth, controversy strikes, and he always seems to be involved. It usually starts with a “Did you hear?” or “As a friend, I just wanted to let you know….” Life doesn’t have to be that complicated. 
5. Networkin’ Noreen: She is always slingin’ cards and hustling for “bidness.” Your friendship is measured by what you can do for her. No matter the topic of conversation, her services take center stage, and she’s always angling for a good introduction. This is a pseudo friendship of convenience, so start making it inconvenient.
6. Listless Larry: You’re pretty sure he’s not a zombie, though his life is completely devoid of ambition, purpose, or anything meaningful. He doesn’t believe in much and judges anyone who’s “involved.” Unless you, too, want to float through life with little more than some old records and a lifetime supply of Funyuns, steer clear.
7. Judge Jacky: Life is her courtroom, and everyone is the accused. No one is ever smart enough, good-looking enough, rich enough, or Christian enough to meet her standards. Unless you love being the defendant, I suggest you let court recess.
8. Flaky McFlakerson: He’s consistently inconsistent. Forty percent of the time, he shows up every time. You now expect a last-minute “something came up” and a constant barrage of poorly designed excuses. Friendship is about reliability, and this guy is your 1983 Yugo.
9. Climbing Carey: No matter what or who stands in her way, she is moving on up. Her past is laden with “former friends” who became collateral damage. When she condescendingly talks about having kids in “like 10 years,” you get the feeling she might eat her own young. Back away slowly before you get sacrificed on her career altar.
10. Devilish Don: While he has three kids, a beautiful wife, a good job, and an enviable golf swing, Don wants more. People “take themselves too seriously.” He’s all about “getting wasted,” hitting on the cart girl, and talking crap about his “worthless” wife. It’s best to leave that party before his values get you into trouble.
11. Groupie Gail: She’s your biggest fan. She always “likes,” retweets, and congratulates. Need her opinion? She waffles until finding the response that pleases you the most. While she makes you feel great temporarily, Gail dangerously distorts reality. Real friends challenge and debate with transparency. Unless you need your pillow fluffed, I’d suggest leaving Gail at the next tour stop. 

The "Average of Five" Rule

The “Average of Five” rule states that you are an average of your five closest friends.

I’ve found it to be surprisingly accurate, and the company you keep is a good indication of the person you will become.

Surround yourself with people whose traits you admire, and prepare to soak up their positive, productive, and healthy influence.