Let's face it, it's hard work to stay healthy. Sure, you might prolong your life by a few years if you eventually quit the death sticks, ease up on the binge-drinking and tackle your fast food habit ... but hey, life's for living, right?
Here's exactly how to ruin your health and die young (because with a life like that, you'll probably want to). Follow these ten simple instructions, and you'll be guaranteed a short, miserable life.
- Smoke like a chimney
If you’re a smoker, great! You’re driving yourself to an early grave already. And if you’re not a smoker, why not get started now? Remember, you’ll not just be putting yourself at risk of lung cancer … you’ll also be in danger of heart disease, stomach cancer and even vision problems. Smoking is a fast and easy way to ruin your health.
- Experiment with drugs
Tobacco and nicotine just not killing you fast enough? Start “experimenting” with drugs. Kid yourself that you’re not a drug “user”, you’re just “trying new things”. Depending on what illegal substances you’re poisoning yourself with, you could be at risk of imminent death. Psychiatric disorders, serious physical illnesses and, of course, addiction, all await you too.
- Binge-drink alcohol
One drug is easily and legally available – alcohol. Make sure you treat it lightly and irresponsibly, for maximum ill-health. Get completely wasted on a regular basis, and enjoy the immediate effects of vomiting, memory loss, hangover (which is a form of food poisoning) and brain-shrinkage (that’s what causes the headache). Long-term, you’re heading for serious liver damage, vision problems and eventually early death. Oh, and if you’re a bloke, add erectile dysfunction to that list.
- Eat fast food regularly
When you’re drunk, you’ll probably get the “munchies”. Swing by a fast food joint to fill your stomach with saturated fat: great for clogging up your arteries and causing heart disease. Fast food is designed to be scoffed in a hurry, so has none of those tedious nutritional goodies that require actual chewing (like fiber and fruit and vegetables). It’s packed with calories and easy to eat a lot of – perfect for gaining weight.
- Avoid fruit and vegetables
And on that note of fruit and veggies – avoid them as much as possible. Pull the lettuce and tomato out of that burger, drink coke not fresh fruit juice, and use the salad drawer in your fridge as a place to stash cans of beer. You’ll be increasing your risk of cancer, obesity, heart disease and more. Bonus points if you manage to give yourself scurvy.
- Never walk when you can drive
Getting exercise will diminish your risk of some of those health disasters you’re working up to. Never take an unnecessary step. Spend ten minutes driving round the car park to get a spot as near to the store as possible. Always take the lift, not the stairs. Go out of your way to avoid letting any exercise creep into your life. You’ll end up obese, at greater risk of catching illnesses, and probably depressed too.
- Have a fat waist
Measure your waist: if it’s under 32 inches (female) or 37 inches (male), then head back to the fast food joint and make sure you drive there: you've got a lot of work to do. Stuffing in extra food without burning any off is an easy way to gain weight. If you’re feeling too full to eat more, add in a binge drinking session for some empty alcohol and sugar calories.
- Refuse to visit your doctor
To make sure that the health problems you've developed go undiagnosed and untreated for as long as possible, never visit your doctor when worrying symptoms arise. The longer you leave it before getting advice and treatment, the more likely you are to develop something so serious that it kills you.
- Sleep is for tortoises
One sometimes overlooked facet of ill health is getting as little sleep as possible. Make sure you go to bed too late (ideally after a binge-drinking session, to ensure you sleep badly and wake up feeling awful). Stagger around in a zombie-like daze of exhaustion: you’ll be all the more encouraged to scoff refined sugar and fatty snacks to artificially boost your energy levels.
- Make life stressful
Finally, taking all the above ill health measures should make you feel stressed, miserable and in despair about your life. Make sure you’re overworked, under appreciated and on the verge of snapping at any given moment. Stress helps you to store extra weight on your waist, and it puts you at risk of ulcers, depression and a nervous breakdown.