I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this from friends, family, friends of friends, and the general public (yes, I am listening in).
Something along the lines of,
“I just don’t understand why (person they are interested in) doesn’t like me. I am pretty good looking, successful, and kind. Is there something wrong with me?”
“I can’t figure out (potential love interest) and don’t know what it means when they twirl their hair 3 times instead of 5, or look at the ground and blink twice. Am I analyzing too much?”
I’m continually amazed at how others complain how their love life in a way that is typically about themselves somehow.
“What’s wrong with ME?”
“Why do I get constantly rejected?”
“Am I saying the wrong thing?”
Of course, it is about them in the sense that they are the ones frustrated with the dating world. I get that.
However, this way of thinking causes one to have a narrow view of the dating world, constantly analyzing every situation, as if the dating world is personally against them.
Me, me, me.
A friend of mine e-mailed me the other day with an observation he knew I would find interesting.
“Dude, I think you’ll like this. I’m sitting at a coffee shop and observing a blind date, most likely an online date. They both look pretty bored and are treating it like a business meeting. The WORST part is the guy just got up because he had to take a phone call and didn’t come back for 20 minutes.”
I don’t know how anyone thinks they are going to have success in the dating world if they treat other people this way. It’s just not going to happen.
What happened to manners?
I’m embarrassed for all mankind right now.
Please DO NOT DO THIS.
Anyway, back to the main point.
I have never been the most attractive guy.
I have not always been as fit as I should be.
I have a nose that sticks out.
My clubbin’ skills are sub-par.
I have NEVER considered myself a pick up artist (or PUA for the cool kids). I also don’t I think it is the most effective way to meet quality people.
However, I have had relative success in meeting new women and dating.
I think back to college when I really started to meet different types of people and go out on more quality dates.
My friend Rich and I worked together in college and spent quite a bit of time together.
My junior and senior years of college were some of my best years.
After my sophomore year of college, I got out of a long term relationship that ended horribly. So bad in fact, that I got dumped outside of Notre Dame- not the university, but in Paris, the most romantic city on earth.
I haven’t been back to Paris since.
We were in a long distance relationship and saved up to go visit her in Paris where she was studying.
Call me crazy, but I was in love and had plans to get married.
Long story short- my heart was broken and during the long plane ride coming home, I had some of the worst stomach pains in the recorded history of stomach pain.
Thank God I had an aisle seat.
After months and months of questioning my existence in this world, because I blamed myself for what happened in Paris (now the city of heartbreak), I finally started to get out of my funk.
Rich really helped me to get out of this funk.
We started going out on the town a fair amount (nothing too crazy), but were enjoying ourselves, meeting new people, and staying out late.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly but actually enjoyed going out and meeting new people. I met all kinds of people.
I wasn’t smooth or had a “game plan” to meet more people.
Honestly, I was probably pretty awkward and said some dumb things. I even felt anxious about going out.
I knew I was having a blast either way, and it took my mind off that horrible break up.
Recently, Rich and I were reminiscing about these adventures.
Now both happily married, we were talking about a friend of his who really wanted a relationship but couldn’t talk to women, felt that he always said the wrong thing, and didn’t know what he was doing wrong.
He had excuse after excuse.
Ultimately, Rich and I decided that the reason we met and dated so many women those years is because people WANTED to be around us.
When we were together, we had this energy of confidence, had no fear (at least outwardly), and were completely ourselves.
The result? We attracted all kinds of people.
Even better result? We were attracting all kinds of women.
Remember, I have never used fancy tricks and am not a “smooth guy”.
But, when you are acting silly, making people laugh, and not trying to meet the perfect person, it makes it a lot easier to attract the right person.
Sounds kind of backwards, but this is the number one reason you are attractive:
Other people genuinely want to be around you.
Women want to be around you.
Call it the “Law of Attraction”
Call it a coincidence.
I used to think everything else was what really mattered, like saying the “right” thing or impressing a woman the “right” way or having the perfect body or hair style.
I thought women needed to be impressed a certain way.
Maybe some do. I don’t know.
I do know that the right woman doesn’t need to be impressed in some cheesy, inauthentic way.
Simply, the right woman just wants to be around you because they love you the way you are.
When you can start being yourself and SHOWING the world that best self, you will start to notice a difference.
How do you do this?
First, not every woman is going to be interested in you. That is never going to happen.
If you find the universal magic formula for love, let me know.
Through my e-mail list, I offer more specific ways on how to do this but for now, just think about this for a second:
When people want to be around you, meeting more women is simply a side effect.
If you try too hard to be someone you’re not, nobody wants to be around you.
But, when you slowly start to reveal to the world your best qualities, more people like you will WANT to be around you.
Here is something to get you started.
Start paying attention to how people interact with each other and find out what works.
Observe two people who seem to be really engaged in conversation.
What is working? What is their body language telling you?
One final piece of advice:
The more you reflect who the other person is, the less it will be about you.
The less it is about you, the more women you will attract.
It’s worked for me.
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Author: Simple Fellow
Shawn McKibben is the founder of simplefellow.com, a website dedicated to teaching people how to navigate through some of life's biggest challenges. You can also follow him on Twitter @simple_fellow