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7 Simple Ways to Never Be Happy

Everyone is always telling you how to be happy, how to achieve your dreams, and how to change your life for the better.

It can be easy for your eyes to glaze over as you read lists of the same basic advice, over and over.

Today, you’re going to have to pay close attention because we’re flipping the tables.

You’re going to learn how not to be happy or ever achieve any of your dreams.

(You may find that you’re making more of these mistakes than you realized.)

#1: Ignore your passions.“I used to play violin when I was in high school. I stopped because I got busy, but I always wished I had picked it up again.”

That is the sort of thing you should find yourself saying, all the time, because you should studiously ignore the things you care about.

Every time something comes to mind that pulls at your heartstrings, push it away with the simple statement that you wish you could get into that. Wishing is all that matters when you’re trying to live an unhappy and unfulfilled life, anyways.

As a student of unhappiness, make sure that you are never actually participating in any of your passions.

Keep everything to theory. Train yourself to wish rather than act when the urge to actually do anything about it comes around.

#2: Stop trying to learn anything new.

When was the last time you picked up a new skill? Probably not in the last 5 years, if you’re really doing the job right.

Being unhappy is hard work. It takes a lot of effort to close your mind to anything new. Learning things is progressive and satisfying. You can’t have that sort of nonsense hanging around when you want to stew in your own miserable life.

It’s almost like they want you to be a better person, with all those things they say you have to learn these days.

You know better than that, though. Being a better person means that you’re going to feel good about yourself, and that isn’t something that can be tolerated. Quit looking up those tutorials, quit consuming new information, and quit practicing anything.

In fact, it’s probably better if you just shut out most of the outside world.

#3: Quit trying to be yourself.

You think you’re unique, but you really shouldn’t think that way. If you’re unique, you may have something of value to offer as a person.

Having value as an individual is another one of those ‘feel-good’ tactics they talk about. It’s time that you quit trying to be yourself and blend in with the rest of society by never experimenting with how to live your own life.

Your lifestyle should mimic the neighbor (unless he’s one of those unbearable, unique snowflakes) and never try to be different.

If you find that you’re living life differently than the unhappy people around you, you’re doing something wrong. If you find that you’ve started actually doing anything about your problems instead of just whining about them, you need to cut it out.

Being proactive about being yourself is just about the worst way to achieve true unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life.

#4 Believe that your ideas suck.

Ugh, you really think that project of yours is any good?

Everything to be invented is already invented. And even if it hasn’t, you certainly aren’t good enough to invent any of it.

There’s no way that you can make any of your ideas a reality. At least, that’s how it’s going to be if you want to keep being unhappy. If you start setting goals, making plans, and taking steps towards accomplishing things, then you might ruin everything by making something amazing.

Everyone knows that the only plan that works is the plan that you actually do, so you might as well resign yourself to projects you never start, and ideas that you never have enough faith in to see through to completion.

#5: Surround yourself with people who don’t care. 

One of the worst things you can do if you want to be unhappy is to surround yourself with positive people who are encouraging you to do anything about your problems.

Unhappy people with unfulfilled dreams need their problems. The way to combat this issue is by surrounding yourself with naysayers who know that it’s not possible to strive for something great if you want to stay unhappy.

Make sure that you have a core group of people who don’t believe in you, your skills or your potential.

Make sure the rest of your friends are also taking similar measures to ensure that they never smile again.

If you find yourself with friends who are constantly trying to build you up or give you steps to actually achieve something… well, you’re just going to have to let them go.

#6: Never think bigger than yourself.

The cardinal rule is to think that everything boils back down to you.

You are the center of the universe, and everything revolves around your unhappiness. It’s not possible that you as an individual could ever start that blog to change the world. It’s not possible to live out your life the way that you always dreamed. It’s not possible to ever stand up for what you believe in.

Because at the end of the day, your problems define you. You can’t represent a bigger idea or chase an ideal.

Big things only happen to people who think big. That means that you can’t ever, not even once, try to think big.

When you want to stay unhappy and keep your dreams swept under the rug, that’s just the way it has to be.

#7: Make a list of reasons you can’t succeed.

This is probably the most effective way to stop yourself from succeeding in life, happiness or any of your dreams.

Make sure that you have a list of reasons that you can’t succeed in anything you ever try. Whenever you start something new, try to learn anything, think bigger than yourself or have a new idea… use your list to remind you of all the things that are going to make you fail.

That should stop you right in your tracks.

It would be ridiculous to ignore this list, because if you think it’s true, then it is true.

That’s the beauty of a list like this: it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you keep reminding yourself and believing that you can’t succeed, you never will.

It’s the ultimate tool for staying unhappy, and living your entire life without achieving a single one of your dreams.

In Conclusion…

It’s important to analyze which of these you’re already practicing, and which ones you need to work on if you truly want to live the rest of your life out as an unhappy person, dreamless and miserable forever.

Most of you already have a mental list of reasons that you can’t accomplish anything of any value, whether you ever realized it or not.

What other unhappy habits are you practicing?

Written on 11/4/2012 by Anne Dorko. Anne Dorko is Captain of the Pirate Ninjas — you can change your life and follow your dreams by joining her crew at Live freely, learn obsessively, and work happily. Photo Credit:
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