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7 Rules of Listening, Really Listening

A few days ago, I got a message from one of my best friends. She asked if we could meet and maybe have a little chat. I didn’t hesitate and said yes. It was great way to catch up.

When we saw each other inside the quiet little café we agreed on, she immediately went onto a sort of rant right after the usual pleasantries. She lamented about how she had this huge problem with a co-worker and how the situation was upsetting her and disrupting her work life.

I listened while she talked, and although we both dropped a few jokes every now and then, I can see that her work situation was definitely weighing her down. The “rant” winded down after a while. She then heaved a sigh of relief and said, “What do you think?”

It was my turn to talk. I expressed my thoughts and told her how I think she should deal with this co-worker, nothing earth shattering, mind you, just pieces of advice she probably already figured out but only needed validation.

After that, I joked, “So you dragged me out on a rant date?” We both laughed and she said, “Sorry, I just needed somebody to listen.”

Thinking about this, I asked the question, what makes a good listener? What does it mean to truly listen as family or friends pour their heart out or share their problems to you?

Here are seven reminders I think we could all use the next time someone asks us to listen, really listen.

    1. The Golden Rule
      Although I’m impatient at times, I genuinely do my best not to interrupt someone when they are talking. After all, we should listen to people the way we want them to listen to us when it is our turn to speak. 

You also have to remember that you do not have to give any advice unless you are asked. Even then, when you honestly think that you cannot give any, admit it and do not pretend to know.

Most likely, when a person comes to you very emotional, they aren’t there for advice; they just want to be with someone they trust enough to see them at their most vulnerable. Don’t screw it up by repeatedly asking “What did you say?” or “Pardon. I don’t understand.”

I realized over the years that my ability to shut up at the right moment made my friends think I’m a good listener.
And the most important rule of all…


This is a horrible habit that everybody has to watch for, whether or not you’re trying to be better a listener. Why? Because the other person will most likely end up hating you for making him or her feel worse rather than better.

Making people feel that their problems are less important because you had it worse before does not help anybody.

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” – Epictetus

In the end, it’s all about giving the other person your full and genuine attention. Because most of the time, your presence is more valuable than your words.

Written on 6/24/2012 by Glori Surban. Glori is a full-time freelance writer who likes to write about life, among other things, and blogs about the introvert personality and how to live through all the noise. Photo Credit: Run Ran
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