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Written on 10/09/2008 by Ali Hale. Ali runs Alpha Student, a blog packed with academic, financial and practical tips to help students get the most out of their time at university. | Photo Credit: bru76 |
office politics game, you might need to at least be likable in order to win that big project, promotion or pay rise.
Can you do it? Can you show a little dedication, hard work, commitment and the painful to read “can do” attitude. I will tell you, it’s not easy. The simpleton’s approach would be to simply get colleagues hate you so much they’ll do anything to get rid of you.
So, if you are looking to get ahead – avoid these like the plaque. If you are looking for an early termination and perhaps some severance pay, here’s your to-do list.
- Backstab
There’s no surer way to get someone to hate you than to stab them in the back. One of your colleagues confesses that they’ve been sending a few personal emails on company time? Tell the boss. A workmate begs for you to help on a project that they’ve screwed up? Look sincere when you say you don’t have time – then go straight to their manager.
- Be a “Jobsworth”
While you’re busy backstabbing, make it clear that you’re never willing to do more than your job is worth. If someone asks you to do anything slightly outside your remit, wave your job description in their face. Better yet, memorize it so that you can quote it word-for-word whenever necessary.
- Clock-watch
Part of being a jobsworth means sticking to your exact contracted hours. Start shutting down your PC at 4.55 so you can make a clean getaway at 5. Don’t ever put in ten minutes just to finish off that last task. Some idiot is staying late to finish a vital presentation? Well, if he wants those finished slides from you, he should’ve asked earlier.
- Clown Around
While your colleague is panicking over his presentation, lighten up the mood in your office by joking around. Hide his favorite mug, unplug his keyboard when he’s out of the room, log onto his Facebook account to set a silly status message. If you’re really good, you’ll be able to make him loath you whilst maintaining your goofy grin.
- Delegate Badly
Of course, all that messing around doesn’t leave much time for actual work – so you’ll need to do some delegating. Handing out tasks as badly as possible is a sure-fire way to win the hatred of your subordinates. How about giving them a mammoth project at 4.45 in the afternoon? Or dumping a load of papers on their desk without any instructions?
- Expect Special Privileges
Never forget that to be truly hated, you need to set yourself a peg above everyone else. Show that you expect to be treated as someone special. Chew out colleagues who check personal email during the workday – but make sure you spend as much time as possible on Facebook and Digg. Insist that you’re too busy to ever make anyone else a coffee – but sulk if they don’t include you in every round.
- Slack off
Not doing your job is a simple way to breed a simmering hatred amongst your colleagues. One of the special privileges you deserve is to have as much “me time” as possible during the working day. Make it your goal to spend an entire eight hour day reading blogs (especially this one). Don’t bother replying to any emails, especially ones with the “URGENT” flag – they’re bound to be boring and blown out of proportion.
- Tease and bully
To reinforce your superiority, make sure you find someone to pick on. Whether it’s the fat guy, the geek, or the girl with a funny accent, make sure you find something sarcastic and oh-so-witty to say to them every day. Bonus points if you hide their stapler, “accidentally” spill coffee on their shirt just before a big meeting, or spread rumors about them. Just imagine you’re back at high school and you’ll get the idea.
- Throw a tantrum
Whenever something goes wrong at work, throw a tantrum. It’s always someone’s fault (and never yours). Shout, scream, point a finger, threaten to get people fired, and make sure everyone can see you’ve completely lost it. Bonus points if your freak out results in broken office furniture. Your workmates will not only hate you, they’ll lose any respect they ever had for you, your family, your dog, etc.
- Whine constantly
If all that shouting has given you a sore throat, complain about it. Better yet, whine about every little thing that goes wrong in your personal or work life. Traffic was bad? Make sure everyone knows what an awful commute you had. You’ve got a lot of work to do? Instead of getting on with it, sit there and complain to everyone how stressed you’re feeling. With a bit of practice, you can turn any minor annoyance into a half-hour rant. I know you can do it!
Once you’ve put all those tips (or even just a few of them) into action, you’ll have succeeded in making every last one of your colleagues hate you. Not only will they wish they didn’t have to spend eight hours a day in your presence, they’ll wish that they’d never even met you. Don’t forget to shout “None of you ever cared about me, after all I did for this crappy company” when no-one signs your going away card (that you bought and circulated)…
Ali