With our world being increasingly interconnected, fast-paced, & busy, we’re all presented with more demands and opportunities than ever before. Through the internet, we’re so much more aware of other options, lifestyle choices and opportunities available to us, and the more “plugged in” to the internet you are, the more you probably fit the profile of generation Y who are famous for “wanting it all.”
But we can’t have it all, do it all, and be it all - that’s impossible. The opportunities are just too infinite. Constantly striving for more, you risk spending more time in the world of worrying whether the grass is greener on the other side, than enjoying the life you have. A key life skill for thriving in this era is being able to sift through all this information and all the opportunities in front of you, to know when to say no thanks to an opportunity, and to be able to sleep peacefully and move your life forward in confidence with your decision, without regret or second-glances.
How to know when to say no to demands and opportunities
But Cath, we haven’t even discussed pros and cons yet!
Now, more than ever before, there are really very few “rules” for success. Just about every rule about what you have to do in order to be successful has been broken. In fact, in an abundant market, you’ll be invisible if you follow all the rules. As Seth Godin asserts, if you want to be visible and perceived as valuable in the job market or the open market, you’ve got to be remarkable. And being remarkable means not just being great at what you do, but being unique and standing out in some way. Now, more than ever, the world is ready for you to invent your own ideal life-and work-style.
Fears can screen what you really want & cause you to rationalize doing what you don’t really want to do. Also, when we’re stressed and afraid, we make poorer decisions, and research shows that we actually tend to make riskier decisions. So the place to start is with shining a light on your fears. Brainstorm them, mindmap them or draw them - anything it takes to get them out of your head and onto a piece of paper. If there are a few options you’re deciding between, then grab a page for each option, listing your fears related to each option separately.
Once you’ve put all your fears down on paper, circle your biggest fears. Then play devil’s advocate and start to question your fears, asking yourself:
“Would this (the scary thing) really be likely to happen?”
“What assumptions am I making that makes me think that’ll (the scary thing) happen?”
“Are those assumptions true?”
“How would I know if those assumptions weren’t true?”
“What assumptions am I making about the scary thing happening, that makes me scared that the scary thing will happen?”
“Are those assumptions true?”
“How would I know if those assumptions weren’t true?”
As you question your fears and your assumptions that you had been making about the situation, you’ll start to feel less certain about them - great! Now they can no longer have a grip on you. As you consider how these assumptions and fears might not be true, ask yourself, “If these fears and assumptions aren’t necessarily true, then what else might be true AND LIBERATE me to do what I love?” and write down your new, empowering story that’ll support you to go ahead and do what you’d most love to do.
It’s important to make your decisions from a place of resourcefulness, where you’re fully aware of your competence and your potential. Here are some questions that can help you to get fully in touch with your resourcefulness:
“What resources do I already have, which would serve me well in each of those situations?”
“What have I survived that was difficult, in my life so far?”
“What resources did I use, to get through that difficult or scary thing?”
“Who else do I know who’s gotten through a difficult or scary thing like this?”
“What resources did/ do they use to get through successfully?”
“What resources have I already got, that’ll enable me to access the resources I still need in each of those situations?”
Ask yourself, “What’s important to me in this area of my life?” Brainstorm and write down all the answers that come to mind. Then rank them in order of importance, with number one being the thing that’s most important to you in that area of your life.
Your body never lies. Your body tenses up and contracts, and you might even notice that your breathing feels less fluent when your body is saying “no” to a decision. When a decision is right for you, your body lets you know by calming, loosening up, opening up, and your breathing becomes more relaxed and fluent again. When you’re stressed and in a state of fear, your body will be all contracted up and your breathing will be fast and shallow anyway, regardless of the decisions you’re considering! So be sure to dissolve your fear and take a few minutes to relax before you do this exercise, so that you can get a clean reading from your body.
So take a few moments to relax yourself by breathing deeply... breathing in for two counts and out for four counts. If you’ve had a very busy day and you’re carrying stress with you, you might want to do a full relaxation exercise, tensing and releasing each muscle. Then take a few minutes to consider each option, picture yourself taking that option, and then do a body scan and notice how your body feels. What is your body saying “yes” to, and what is your body saying “no” to?
Most of you will be familiar with the traditional decision-making process, where you generate options, list the pros and cons of each option, and then make your decision. This process is a very left-brain, linear process that’s probably still useful in simple situations, where there are clear pros and cons and where the future is fairly predictable. But in these fast-changing, high-information times, future possibilities are developing and changing so quickly that we don’t always know what the pros and cons will be. Also, as a very left-brain-directed exercise, the traditional decision-making process tends to keep you stuck in linear, left-brain thinking which tends to be less creative and more concerned with following rules - which can get you stuck in all the rules you’ve been socialized into.
I know it sounds kind of kooky to decide with your body, but the body holds all our unconscious knowledge - the stuff we don’t even know we know. The steps in this process will help you to make your decision using your whole mind, because it encourages both left-brain-directed logical thinking processes and less linear, more creative and experiential right-brain-directed thinking processes. And, as Dan Pink says, in his wonderful book, A Whole New Mind
Written on 12/2/2009 by Cath Duncan. Through projects like the Bottom-line Bookclub, Cath is helping people to be more agile and to learn and change more easily and elegantly… so they can thrive in these fast-paced, high-information, high-change times. Cath blogs at Mine Your Resources and you can connect with her on Twitter.
How to Say No to Great Opportunities
